belief

So, a Saturday evening in Limassol where I may have had more than one Cypriot sized glass of vodka whilst watching (not very enthusiastically) some football match with Barcelona and Real Madrid, was filled with hysterical laughter and some serious talking about beliefs. 

I have been in a somewhat philosophical state recently, contemplating life, the future and everything in between. I'm not sure why, maybe it's the seasons changing or maybe its he hoards of blog posts that have cropped up recently referring to said thinking that have planted the seed even deeper in my head. 

I am about to embark upon my 24th year, something that doesn't scare me but more initiates a whole host of questions about what I have achieved, what I want to achieve and what the future holds. The past 7 and half years I have been lucky enough to share with a wonderful boy (although now man would be a more appropriate term) and in some ways our meeting was by chance. Was it fate that we were in the same place at the same time, were we meant to meet, to be honest i'm not really sure if I believe in that. But I do believe he has made my life a better place; supporting and encouraging me, his sheer determination and ambition is certainly something I admire. 

While I know I dont believe in one god, or any god, I know there are millions of people who do believe in a god, so all those people cant be wrong can they. But my lack of belief doesn't detract from my feeling that there is something out there, a higher power, I just cant put my finger on what that is. 

Do I believe in fairies, guardian angels, fate, everything happens for a reason? Probably the answer to all of those is no. In my head I find it hard to find a rationale explanation for why bad things happen, which would explain why I dont believe in guardian angels. If everyone has someone or something watching over them, then why do they let such life altering events occur.

You would be right in thinking that I am a sceptic; I dont believe easily and at the same time I dont trust easily, things which I would say are inextricably linked. But from our very serious conversations last night, a wonderful women highlighted something which I hadn't even given time to before; do I believe in myself? Do I believe in love and me and my boy (man) friend? And after so many no's I would say the answer is yes. I know whatever happens in life I have my own values and a belief in myself that is more powerful than anything else and I have someone else by my side, supporting me all the way. 

At the same time I think belief is something adaptable and dynamic, specific to different times in your life and different situations. So while I may be that sceptical person now, at the tender age of 23, who knows how my understanding of the world will change. We will just have to wait and see.